The Influence of Connection: A Journey of Self-Discovery

by Michael Zaky, MA Clinical Psychology.

From the very beginning, there’s a core being within us that remains constant. Despite all the changes and growth we go through, an unchanging essence seems to thread through our lives, forming the foundation of who we are. Our experiences, relationships, and memories influence our personalities and development, but the essence—the “I” experiencing these events—remains the same. This idea of a stable core that interacts with an ever-changing world is not only fascinating but also complex, resonating with both psychological theories and philosophical explorations of self.

In psychology, personal identity and continuity are often linked with memory. Philosopher John Locke suggested that personal identity is fundamentally tied to memory, with consciousness connecting us to our past selves through a continuous thread of recollection. This concept implies that, while memories shape us, there’s also a stable self that remains throughout, the observer within each moment, unchanged by time. In this view, our personality—the set of traits, tendencies, and adaptations that define how we think, feel, and behave—can grow and shift, but it rests upon a foundation that is inherently stable.

Moreover, as we grow and seek meaning, we’re influenced by others. Influence, rather than shared experience, becomes the key to connection. Since true shared experience is impossible—we can never step entirely into another’s perspective—our interactions with others shape and reveal aspects of ourselves. Every interaction, every connection, subtly shifts our understanding, helping us discover what aligns with our essence. It’s not a literal merging of perspectives but a process of gentle influence, each person reflecting back parts of us that we may not fully recognize.

In this context, the influence of those around us becomes more than mere connection; it becomes a mirror that reveals who we are. When we resonate with someone, when we feel alive and understood, it’s as if they’re holding up a piece of our inner self, showing us qualities that feel fundamentally right. This resonance isn’t just about shared views; it’s an alignment with our core, a deep affirmation of our own values, emotions, and ways of being.

Research in social cognition supports this understanding of influence. While we cannot access another’s inner world directly, we interpret, empathize, and connect through subtle exchanges that allow us to understand their emotions and responses. Mirror neurons in the brain help us “feel” another’s experience to a degree, facilitating empathy and connection without breaking the boundaries of our own unique consciousness. These influences highlight, rather than change, the essence within us, allowing us to experience aliveness through mutual understanding.

There’s also a level of autonomy in how we engage with influence. We gravitate toward those who mirror qualities and ideas that align with our core, seeking people who reinforce our sense of self. When we’re surrounded by influences that resonate with who we are, it’s more than comforting—it’s affirming. The feeling of being alive, of being fully present, arises when the influence of others aligns with our being, and it’s a feeling we protect and cultivate intentionally. The moments of connection that make us feel “seen” are far more than happenstance; they’re a fundamental part of our journey toward authenticity.

And as I sit here now, looking at my dog, Mac, I realize that part of why our bond feels so strong is because we don’t force perspectives on each other. I’m meeting Mac where he’s at. And, I’ll admit—I have this tendency to raise my voice, and I’m not afraid to say it. But even in that, there’s a recognition of our differences and an acceptance that resonates with who we each are. Mac influences me in his calm, grounding way, and in that simplicity, he mirrors a peaceful part of myself that I sometimes overlook. It’s a bond built on gentle influence, a reminder that true connection doesn’t demand change; it affirms and aligns with what’s already within us.

In the end, influence isn’t just about shaping who we are; it’s a way of discovering what makes us feel alive, connected, and whole. Each resonant relationship, whether human or not, is an invitation to look within and remember the parts of ourselves that feel most like home.

Written by Michael Zaky, MA Clinical Psychology